Tuesday, 31 August 2010

This Is It! (almost)

I suppose what this is all about was to make sure I'm not gonna be a wimpy baby about this whole thing. What happened last year was that I was fine in the days leading up to going back to uni, albeit slighty apprehensive, but for some reason on the day I became all shaky and starting feeling weird - like I wasn't ready to go, I wanted more time to stay at home, and just really uncomposed and a mess. Not like a hero at all - and this was after all the inspiration. So I guess I'm just scared of feeling like that again - because right now I feel pretty good about the whole thing, but am I gonna feel weird tomorrow?
It's all very well me saying I've become stronger - like I did this time last year - but as I learnt then, it's not words that count.
I FEEL strong. I feel like I should be able to overcome this, no problem.

So, I think what it was was that... whenever I knew there were days coming up to fall back on, I felt ok. Like I was still gonna go to the gym, and to work for a few more weeks, stuff that made me feel like I was really at home. Stuff that feels like being on summer break. Happiness. Then, today... it hit me that I was working at the Village hall for the last time. That I was going to the Bakewell gym, for the last time.
I mean, I'm not so concerned about leaving my home and family behind, as I know they will still be here when I get back... and then I will have the longest, boringest summer ever, almost 5 months of it. For some reason, last year, I felt like I couldn't even tear myself away from it even though I knew I was coming back pretty soon. I even wrote in my journal that I didn't think I was the kind of person that could handle being a long distance away, like NEWCASTLE or EDINBURGH! How mad does that sound now?? A year on from that and I'm about to go to Canada for A YEAR!! Well, 8 months.

When I come back from this, I will be a man of the world. I will have become a hero!!
And I'm not sure what else to add now. It's time to go for it!!



Monday, 30 August 2010


I know, right? Been a while.

So, um... yeah, I kinda promised myself I would do a big epic blog post before I left. Now there's roughly... yup, 60 hours left!!
So, um... yeah. This is more or less going to be a train of thought thing. Tonight, I said goodbye to a few friends. Well, not like it's goodbye, but you know what I mean. Fuck it, I'm gonna get straight to my concern.
There are still some barriers. Within me and within certain others. Some of us still don't express ourselves to one another the way we really should. And some of us... me especially, slightly hesitant to admit this, are still somewhat afraid of people knowing who we are.
Or am I? Is it not that I'm just afraid to embarrass myself? Maybe. I know that's nothing really wrong with that, it's just not how I aim to be.
There was a strange, yet sweet vibe as I parted ways with them tonight. When I drove home, I took my time. I didn't wind the windows down, and I didn't play any loud music.
This isn't working right now. I will be back.