Just a little thing I wrote in the refectory today, taking a break from studying. Not an especially good poem and it literally took 5 minutes to write, but here it is. It's a very DARK poem and is pretty much how I feel right now, with the impending Calculus exam of DOOM on the horizon and is a dive into serious, heavy, over-dramatic metaphor territory, which is always fun.
Day of Reckoning
I'm awash with efficient anger,
and the power to mercilessly beat down my nemesis,
outnumbered but not outgunned.
I will take on the swarm of his soldiers,
fighting 'til my last.
The inevitable forboding of death hanging from the sky.
I stand encircled by countless enemies,
one by one they charge,
an infinite series of battles.
I eradicate the weak and punish the strong,
my hands will crush them all,
but time is running short.
The time is nigh when they will all come at once.
Then, who will be spared?
Will I get out alive?
Only until the day of judgement,
then it is for Him to decide.
But should He make the wrong decision,
He is going down with me.
Saturday, 16 January 2010
Ey up fellas 'n' guys, and ladies and stuff. How are your families?
Right then, bloggage time. I can't decide whether that should be with two g's or just one, but I is gonna leave it for now.
So, the main reason I'm here is 'cos Calculus is really making me sick. I can't stand it anymore. I feel I've come on a little but I don't feel anywhere near as ready as I'd like to be for the exam on Tuesday. Just two days of studying left, one of which is gonna include my journey back to Leeds. Not that it's a long journey, but still. Ok, so I sound like I'm moaning but I guess it could be worse.
To tell the truth, it is a bit annoying that I just seem to spend so much time wrapped up in this stuff. I really can't wait to go out again and get back into, and I mean that this time. I have these commitments I've made to studying, music and fitness, but I really wanna leave plenty of time for friendship, and meeting new people and creating new friendships. I don't seem to be doing so much of that this year so far and it kind of sucks.
That said, I've just recently gained an insane amount of self confidence. Some of that comes from that the fact that all the hard work I've been putting into working out is starting to show, some from the amazing music I've been creating on my own and with Optical Cool which I can't wait to share one day, a LOT is thanks to Mercedes of course (Thank you SOOOO MUCH!!! XXX), and perhaps even more is finally slaying this little bastard demon called Procrastination.
So many of us students and young people in general seem to suffer quite badly from it (a reason why many of us are here on Facebook in the first place) and the bottom life is it just seems to make life so shit. If this was a meeting of Procrastinator's Anonymous, I would be the first one to stand up and say:
"Hi, my name's Jim-x and I'm a procastinatioholic."
Like my new word? ;)
Anyway, the point is I struggled with that majorly last semester and a lot of first year, and I just got really sick of it and I don't wanna go through that shit anymore. I want to put the hours into work, to music, to friendship, to exercise and everything. Basically, I wanna give my all to this sword. That was my new year's resolution and so far, I'm sticking to that pretty well.
I've really found that the more you do, the easier everything gets and the better you feel. But it's also a good idea to narrow your commitments down to the really important things so your time is focused only on the really important stuff, and you're not taking on more than you can handle.
I'm really looking forward to getting this exam over with, as much as I'm afraid that I'm not going to do as well as I'd like. I can only do my best now but I just want this to be over. I just want to be able to spend a few days just absorbed in music and creating something new, very emotional and very special.
There are a couple of projects I'm gonna work on in the 5 days or so I'll have off. I didn't really have a Xmas break so I'm about ready for those. Number one, Mercedes is SOOO getting a song of her own. For all she's done for me lately she more than warrants a place in my heart for what I hope will be a long time to come. Also, I have a little present for all Final Fantasy geeks out there which I started before Xmas, and I should hope to finish that at some point. Apart from that, I've got to really express this stuff inside me some way after all this time so you can be sure I'll find a way to do that.
Tonight I'm just so sleepy and stressed from studying I've been trying to unwind. Hopefully I'll feel better after a good night's sleep and back to Leeds.
And for now, I think that's it.
Posted by James Ian MacDonald at 1/16/2010 08:55:00 pm
Friday, 15 January 2010
At last. At long last.
Hi guys! What's happenin'?
Right, so now I'm finally gonna do the big piece of epic writeage I meant to do about 5 days ago, but didn't because I was too cream-crackered. Monday, as many of you will have heard by now, was an INSPIRING day for me, of epic proportions. Passing exams doesn't mean just getting through uni to me anymore. If I can maintain a good grade this year, I'll get to go to Canada. Now I actually have a reason to do the absolute best I can in my degree.
I guess this whole thing started off a fair while ago, about 2/3 of the way through first year. Living in a city for the first time, making many new friends and girlfriends, and going out and partying and doing ridiculous things was insane amounts of fun and really quite liberating, which was something that was a long time coming. But there comes a point where you just stop and wonder... what's the point?
That's where I started to question things and wonder what I was actually doing there. Ok, so I wanted to spread my wings. Done. So now what?
It occurred to me that maybe it was the setting. Leeds is awesome but I was just itching to see some new places. All of a sudden, the prospect of traveling become incredibly exciting. Which is amazing, considering my whole live I've been more inclined to hide from the outside world... shameful as it is to admit that now even though it's been so blatantly obvious.
As you well know, Music is where I'm headed. But there's a world out there to see, and the thought of seeing it all is so exciting.
My game plan was always something like this: go to uni, get a random degree, and once your life's sorted out do music and win.
But uni is the time when you really discover yourself. Actually - now that I think about it, different people go through different things in life and let's face it, probably got out more than I did. But for me, uni was definitely the time I really discovered myself and figured out what I wanted to do. Of course, there are bigger things to come, but the exciting thing now is knowing that whatever happens, I am going to grow stronger. And considering how far I've come from say, 2 years ago, I'm even more excited for whatever the next 2 years will bring.
At some point in the past, I started going to the gym. I'm not going to go into the details of why here 'cos it's not relevant.
At some point in the last summer, I began running. Particularly over the last few months, the thrill of getting fitter and stronger physically is like nothing I've ever known. To be fair, it was something I had pretty much avoided my whole life up to that point. Now, it's one of the best things in the world.
I like to have a drink and party now and again, but I don't do it excessively. I don't do any drugs, and I have no interest in ever going down that route. I just don't see the point, when everyone I've ever known who has done that has at some point wanted to stop and found themselves stuck. I just don't want to put myself through that. There's many other things, better things, that I can devote my time to and I'm just saving myself that time. But still, that's MY decision - I'm not saying it's wrong for anyone else, just that I'm not interested. The rest of you can go nuts.
Basically, what all this comes down to is that there was a point when I realised that many pointless late nights, self-indulgence, missing days at uni and feeling sick all the time, and feeling at assignments - is not really a worthwhile thing. Finding your studies really hard and knowing that you're gonna fail is really not much fun in itself.
Man. I can tell this is gonna be a total ramble, that possibly few people will even bother reading. But whatever...
Um, so I wanted to talk about Monday. But you know what? It's a really big story, so I'm just gonna give you the gist.
Basically, I had two big exams. One 3 hour in the morning and 2 hours in the afternoon. I went in at 8.00, studied for an hour or so, went into the exam room and slaughtered the first exam. It took roughly an hour and a half. I went to get some food, then straight to the library to get ready for the next one. Went into the exam room again, killed that one in about an hour and ten minutes, and was in the gym pumping massive weights by half three, when there was still half an hour left to go of the exam.
That day, I was just totally fired up with POSITIVE energy. I gave everything my all. I got up really early and not only did I surpass all my expectations of how my exams would go, I put myself through the toughest workout ever before walking down to the train station in the freezing ice and snow with two big bags. I was just like - "give it everything you've got", and that applied to EVERYTHING I did that day. Now, I'm starting to really wish I had written this immediately when I got home that day because then I could have captured that vibe better.
I guess I have something I want to say to everybody.
That something is: studying hard really is worth it. There is no better feeling than being so prepared for something so big that you can absolutely kill it without being stuck for a single moment. This doesn't just apply to studying: it's the same approach I give to working out, practicing music and... everything else. The bottom line, guys, is: put the hours in. Do not waste your time here on Facebook, updating your status every 5 minutes to tell everyone how scared you are of oncoming exams or how you can't face writing an essay, or anything with a certain p-word in it. Or even just sitting there waiting for a notification to appear. That kind of thing is something you CAN'T help, so therefore you should address something you can. Namely, get your lazy ass down to work. The more hours you put into study, to working on your coursework, the easier you make it for yourself. The better you are going to succeed. The more awesome you will inevitably feel.
And the great thing is: when you really make a commitment like this, the more you enjoy your time off! It's so much easier to relax without something like that hanging over your head, and I feel as happy inside now as I have probably ever felt as a result.
The scariest part is taking the first step. And that's also the hardest step. But the good news is, that's over in an instant. So don't be afraid. You can always achieve your dreams. Just don't give up.
There's one girl in particular that really inspired me with all this, and she knows who she is. I don't know if she wants the glory but if she does, she can comment on here and say "IT WAS MEEEE!!!!!". That's up to her...
Hopefully at some point, I've made the point I set out to here. I'll leave you with a few inspiring phrases that will help you on your way:
"Stay ready, and you'll never have to get ready."
"The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step."
"Perseverance is not a long race: it is many short races one after another."
"On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow."
"There is no spoon."
Posted by James Ian MacDonald at 1/15/2010 09:00:00 pm