Sunday, 26 June 2011

No Looking Back

Just now... I very literally took a walk down memory lane.

I had set out with the intent of being able to revisit and remember a particular, special memory of friendship. Down that road, as the twilight was gradually fading to darkness, with the perfect summer breeze that would never waver.

As I got further and further away from my present, curiosity kept taking me a few steps further. Let me just go stand on that road... no, I want to see what's up ahead... ok, just a little further... on and on it went.

I was alone, having now wandered from that path to another in the midst of an enormous grassy field, with old, giant trees casting their giant shadows. This is a place I had not come to in some time... since I was almost an entirely different person.

Although it was all so long ago now... I felt something me calling me back towards it... so I kept on moving. I felt happy.

I kept looking up at the stars.

Then I saw a light in the distance... that was the place.

I really shouldn't go much further, I told myself. Getting too close to that past could be dangerous. But still, I felt drawn in by the light.

I'll just go a little further. So I can at least see the outline of the house... for the trees were obscuring it from my view.

So I kept on going... and I broke into a run... it was all so easy now...

On and on I went, as the memories came flooding back...

...but then I felt a growing sense of uneasiness... I going too far?

I'll keep going until I get to that fence that bars my way.

I run a little further... and then I see that the fence is not in my way at all.

But still... I realise I can go no further.

I cannot go intruding upon their lives now. I had never meant for things to turn out this way... but jumping right back in is not the answer. Things have turned out for the best... I cannot go messing that up.

I looked on and saw the outline of that house start to take shape... multiple lights escaping from the windows. As I had promised, I moved no further. But I stood for a moment and looked on... and uttered a promise to those I had had to leave behind. A promising ensuring that they will never be forgotten. Nor will that one special person.

I looked up at the stars once more with a smile, and bravely turned my back on the past... making a semi-hasty retreat, as it was a long road back to the present, and the darkness was nearing ever closer.

I moved back home quickly as I become more and more inspired, with fresh hope for the future emerging and filling me up inside... and then I returned, having beaten nightfall.


Tuesday, 7 June 2011

The Beginning?

Goodness me, my titles are getting worse every time. What will I call my next entry?? "The Middle Bit"??

Anyway, I'm writing tonight because tomorrow I start a new part-time job. It's only temporary and I don't start 'til 12.30, but what that means is that this is the first evening for a while where I have to... do something in the morning. I mean... something in the work sense. Something other than leisure or something of my own desire. It feels like... one of those nights which were the night before going back to school after a term holiday, or 4 years ago when I went off to my first real job. This is the first evening since I came home where time has actually meant something. As such, it's also one of the first times since I came home where I've really had a chance to reflect on my inner feelings - because, when I all the time I wanted to do anything I wanted, facing the things inside was not a priority and not something I needed to worry about or be bothered by. Now that there's just the slightest bit of pressure, I suddenly find myself faced with these feelings and concerns.

Today, I also really realised that I really miss Canada (yes, there was a lot of "real" sounds in that sentence, wasn't there?). I miss the money, the people, and even the climate (not so much the winter, but y'know =p). And yes SANA, I miss you too! Obviously.

But I just carry on doing things, don't I? I kinda miss just being able to talk and talk and talk to her...