Friday, 19 February 2010

The Crush

I'm feeling some serious emotion tonight. I feel I need to just write SOMETHING down.

It's a bizarre mixture of contentness and sadness. I feel that there are some things in my life which are good. I feel like I have come on a long way, done a lot for myself over the past few years, and even more so in the last couple of months - and people are letting me know that they recognize my new found dedication to training and studying. I am not only becoming stronger physically and mentally but also a better person. A more passionate, open person that people appreciate spending time with. And I'm glad that there are now many people who understand that I have my own goals and my own way of doing things, and my reasons for doing them, and still want me as a part of their lives.

I spent so long trying to conform, without even meaning to - and by finally deciding to embrace my individuality, things are kind of falling into place.

So what about the bad stuff?

I guess what it comes down to is... I'm sick of RUBBISH relationships.

I'm not really sure how much of this I ought to write down in a public blog, but... I'm sick of being so hesitant.

OK, so here goes. I am MASSIVELY crushing on someone at the moment. Like, majorly. She's someone I see fairly regularly during uni time as we are both studying the same Math module this term. And even though we've barely spoken and I know hardly anything about her... she just seems really cool. I don't know how else to put it. She's not on my Facebook so if you're reading this, chances are it isn't you. Sorry. But if you fancy a pity date we might still be able to arrange that. =)
And... well, if something doesn't naturally develop soon, I might just have to take action to make it happen. Not exactly sure right now what that entails though.


Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Why I'm Awesome/How to Get out of Bed

I'm typing this in Edward Boyle, having just given up on the treadmill for the first time in quite a while.
I've been running for 30 minutes, daily, since before this semester started. Before that, it was kind of on and off, whenever I had time. Now I make it a part of my daily routine, and now I finally have an iPod it's easier than ever to keep going on a treadmill.
This is on top of my four days per week workout plan and study hours, and ideally I should be continuing my press up programme too but that seems to have stopped.
Normally, I can bust through the pain barrier ok if I keep my focus and having music (my specially selected power playlist) certainly helps. But tonight, as soon as I broke into a run I felt a sharp PAIN round about my left heel which struck me with every single stride. To be honest, this has been going on the last few days but I've pretty much been powering my way through it, hoping it will go away with time. I just did not want to give up. But tonight was just too much, there was no way I could take another 25 minutes of this. I stopped after about 15 and left the gym without taking a shower - I only ran for such a short time I barely broke into a sweat and didn't need one.
I realised that something needs to be WORKED OUT. I have the passion and the drive I need to get through my studies and continue my (too?) ambitious workout plans at the same time, but it seems to be taking it's toll on my body already. A case of the spirit being willing, and the flesh weak. And I HATE that. This was all supposed to be in aid of becoming TOUGH.
But hey, maybe that will be all ok once I get a proper pair of running shoes next weekend. These shoes are not exactly ideal and I've been told by actual shoe people that they are bad and making my feet wierd.
So, from now on I'll guess I'll do every OTHER day, at least until I get those new shoes. Tomorrow I'll give my feet a rest.

Now, would it surprise you to learn that I'm actually one of the laziest people in the world?
I CANNOT do mornings. Last semester I got into such a mess towards the end that going to any lecture before midday seemed pretty much totally unreasonable. I'd be lying in bed thinking "I'll be ok, I can miss this first lecture" then I'd wake up and similarly decide to miss the next lecture, and so on until there was nothing left. There was a point where I was JUST going to socials. And not even many of those. And guess what? It was a really depressing time. I was the classic example of a lazy, unmotivated, procrastinating student. I guess I was wondering what the hell I was even doing studying this course when I all I wanted to do was break into music.
That kind of all turned around with the study abroad application and when I got all excited by that, it gave me something to aim for and that's when I resolved to turn things around.

By the way, you should all listen to Dream Theater and become massive fans. I virtually have my 160gb iPod on shuffle all day but whenever something of theirs comes on, it's like nothing else in the world.

Anyway... I decided something along the lines of - it doesn't matter about making new friends, or even seeing too much of current/old ones. It doesn't matter about girls and "relationships". I'm here to get my degree. Getting a 2.i average this year will mean I go to Canada in the summer and stay there for a year. So that's when I started jamming extra study hours into my already crammed day-to-day plans. And as I've talked about before, Mercedes was a big influence here.

HELLOOOOO? MERCEDES! THIS IS THE BIT WHERE I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU!!! =) I know you probably won't read this whole boring entry so I thought I'd just make that stand out for ya... =P You know the deal, you helped turn my life around, you're awesome, I can't thank you enough, blah blah blah... you know this. X

Still, these days I struggle to get out of bed. (Don't we all?) I pretty much wear myself into the ground into the late evenings, often staying at the library til midnight after the workout and the run etc. and then when I finally do get to sleep, it turns out that 7 hours (sometimes less) isn't enough, and I'll typically end up rushing to my first lecture, walking in about 10-15 minutes late and passing right in front of the lecturer 'cos I like being cool and making a big entrance so people know that Jim-x has arrived...
But today, for example, I was so sleepy after making it to my first lecture I just went home and slept. Then stayed in my room and "studied" until Gym o'clock.
It's just difficult to keep going, is the gist I'm trying to get at. And not because I'm unmotivated - hopefully, my determination should be coming through here. My way of life is just physically draining, and having Gilbert's doesn't really help (but I don't like to talk about that).
I guess I'm just proud of myself for not being lazy, and actually constantly trying to push my physical limits further and further.

But now I have a task. I need to work out what I CAN maintain and STICK to it.

I'm also concerned about not meeting any new people - I didn't meet as many as I would have liked last term, and the new me may result in me going to even less socials and socities. But I can't give this up. I know I have to keep going.
Last term, I was saying yes to absolutely everything, and as a result, doing none of it.
This time I'm being more focused and realistic. Just working out what's most important and sticking to that, and not signing up for shit that I'm probably not gonna get round to.
Kinda feel like I'm wandering (surprise surprise) so I'll stop there...

Oh, but I never actually explained why I'm awesome, or how to get out of bed.

Hopefully, the answer to both of those should now be obvious.


Jim-x =)