No Looking Back

Just now... I very literally took a walk down memory lane.


I had set out with the intent of being able to revisit and remember a particular, special memory of friendship. Down that road, as the twilight was gradually fading to darkness, with the perfect summer breeze that would never waver.


As I got further and further away from my present, curiosity kept taking me a few steps further. Let me just go stand on that road... no, I want to see what's up ahead... ok, just a little further... on and on it went.


I was alone, having now wandered from that path to another in the midst of an enormous grassy field, with old, giant trees casting their giant shadows. This is a place I had not come to in some time... since I was almost an entirely different person.


Although it was all so long ago now... I felt something me calling me back towards it... so I kept on moving. I felt happy.


I kept looking up at the stars.


Then I saw a light in the distance... that was the place.


I really shouldn't go much further, I told myself. Getting too close to that past could be dangerous. But still, I felt drawn in by the light.


I'll just go a little further. So I can at least see the outline of the house... for the trees were obscuring it from my view.


So I kept on going... and I broke into a run... it was all so easy now...


On and on I went, as the memories came flooding back...


...but then I felt a growing sense of uneasiness...


...am I going too far?


I'll keep going until I get to that fence that bars my way.


I run a little further... and then I see that the fence is not in my way at all.


But still... I realise I can go no further.


I cannot go intruding upon their lives now. I had never meant for things to turn out this way... but jumping right back in is not the answer. Things have turned out for the best... I cannot go messing that up.


I looked on and saw the outline of that house start to take shape... multiple lights escaping from the windows. As I had promised, I moved no further. But I stood for a moment and looked on... and uttered a promise to those I had had to leave behind. A promising ensuring that they will never be forgotten. Nor will that one special person.


I looked up at the stars once more with a smile, and bravely turned my back on the past... making a semi-hasty retreat, as it was a long road back to the present, and the darkness was nearing ever closer.


I moved back home quickly as I become more and more inspired, with fresh hope for the future emerging and filling me up inside... and then I returned, having beaten nightfall.


JiM-X

The Beginning?

Goodness me, my titles are getting worse every time. What will I call my next entry?? "The Middle Bit"??

Anyway, I'm writing tonight because tomorrow I start a new part-time job. It's only temporary and I don't start 'til 12.30, but what that means is that this is the first evening for a while where I have to... do something in the morning. I mean... something in the work sense. Something other than leisure or something of my own desire. It feels like... one of those nights which were the night before going back to school after a term holiday, or 4 years ago when I went off to my first real job. This is the first evening since I came home where time has actually meant something. As such, it's also one of the first times since I came home where I've really had a chance to reflect on my inner feelings - because, when I all the time I wanted to do anything I wanted, facing the things inside was not a priority and not something I needed to worry about or be bothered by. Now that there's just the slightest bit of pressure, I suddenly find myself faced with these feelings and concerns.

Today, I also really realised that I really miss Canada (yes, there was a lot of "real" sounds in that sentence, wasn't there?). I miss the money, the people, and even the climate (not so much the winter, but y'know =p). And yes SANA, I miss you too! Obviously.

But I just carry on doing things, don't I? I kinda miss just being able to talk and talk and talk to her...

Jim-x

The End?

Let me get serious, for once.

Today has been one of the stranger days of my life. Strange, because the latter part of it has just been so... normal.

So, after all my 8 months in Canada, today I arrived home. Earlier, When Sana and I parted ways at the airport it was way more difficult than either of us had anticipated, and even though I (just about) held it together then, I too found myself lost in sorrow for a time, starting from after I had been on the plane for a couple of hours. Only then did the enormity of the situation begin to sink in... how long it might be until I get to see her again, how I was going home after all this time and how all my adventures that I had built up for so long were at an end.

But I stayed strong, knowing I had no reasonable alternative. I found my spirits lifted somewhat upon landing, but... since then, I've just felt weird. When I arrived home, it really felt like I had never left. Or, that I had literally just been there. It's so very strange. I even went to work at the village hall again today... when eight months ago, I made such a big deal out of the fact that I was going there for the "last time" and I would be going away for such a long time. As soon as I walked through that door, it was as if no time had passed at all. It literally feels exactly the same way it did last summer, as I was preparing to leave for Canada.

I sat with my parents in front of the T.V. to eat dinner, and watched the snooker with my Dad and later a couple of episodes of Peep Show... but I'm totally weirded out by how familiar this is. I expected to feel different after my experiences, or at least that some significant time has passed.

Don't get me wrong... I definitely had an incredible time in Canada. Made so many friends, went to a lot of parties and did a lot of adventuring and exploration, and even met someone incredibly special. It just seems weird that the last time I was here, I hadn't met any of those people or done any of those things, and yet here I am again and I feel exactly the same. I was expecting some sense of massive relief and comfort when I returned here... but I feel the opposite. I don't feel settled at all.

Now, I just feel at a little bit of a loose end. Even though I haven't slept in almost two days, I don't feel like sleeping at all right now. I just feel unsettled. I had some plans for what I would do when I came back that I was thinking about for the longest time, and I haven't put any of those plans into action yet.

I guess what I need is a couple of days to sort myself out.

1001 Gold Balls

There was a man with lots of golden balls. And I don't mean Jasper Carrot.

I was running around like a crazy person on a 2.5 dimensional plane, when all of a sudden these sparkly gold balls started spewing out of this beanstalk. So, I started to run up and down, jumping around and grabbing as many of them as I possibly could, determined not to repeat the failure that was my last attempt. I would give it my all.
I collected 993, and that was all. But I needed more. That's when he appeared. Like a mysterious benefactor, he threw 7 more golden objects my way, and I attempted to gather them all up. As I was already holding on to almost a thousand, it was difficult, and I dropped the last one - but the kind man helped me by picking it up and giving it back to me.

I was no so close!! And then... the man presented me with one last, and very special, dazzling gold ball. The 1001st!! I had 1001 Gold Balls! I had done it!!

And right on cue, the big broadway band started to play, and I was raised up with the stage, the wires suspending me high above the chorus as I sang with them. I knew I didn't have to be fully in tune, so I kinda relaxed and let the elation I felt carry me through the music as I was backed up by the amazing harmonies and music being performed.

"At last, I've got 1001 gold balls..."

Then my big solo bit before the final, epic finale... I had to sing two words, a cappella, each one acting as a fermata. "And now..."

But my voice was so strained and it could barely escape my throat. It was weak and I felt that this anti-climatic failure was out of my control... and I had let everything down. Then it all went very wrong... I screamed...

...and then I was awake.

Jim-x

Back to Yesterday

This is going to be a very short note.

Because I could talk about so much, but I can also see that there would just be no point.
All that really matters is, I'm proud of how very far I've come.
And I know truly that time won't wait for me to look back.

I really wish there was somebody I could just talk to all night about this stuff... who would not only listen, but understand. And appreciate it all.

But it never stops. Further adventures await, as do more exciting times.

Some funny videos to come at some point!

Jim-x

For those who refuse to trust.

Alright - so I'm not talking about the kind of trust that means you believe stuff you find in the media, in the natural world or anything like that. I'm just talking about human beings trusting each other on a personal level.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been reminded of how little in life is absolutely certain. I think, therefore I am. What else can we say for absolute definite? This is why we can't get very far in life without taking a few risks and making a few assumptions. Trusting and having faith in each other is something we have to do to support each other, otherwise we would each be isolated and as a race, making no progress.

Now, we've all been through bad relationship or other personal experience in which some other person has betrayed our trust. Most people are inclined to hide themselves away, becoming much harder to get to know and a lot less willing to trust other people they meet after such experiences. Now, I am not for one second being unsensitive to these people. But I have had this happen to me way too many times, especially recently. Off the top of my head I can think of at least three instances in the last couple of months where I've been getting on really well with someone but been held back from getting anywhere near close to them because they have trust issues. These people refuse to trust because they were abused, betrayed or otherwise dicked about by someone I've never met, in events that have no relation to me whatsoever. This may be understandable to most people reading this, but... is it fair?

I wonder how many of you have thought about this from the other person's point of view. I was talking to one of the aforementioned three last night, and once I had helped her understand this she conceded that the thought had never crossed her mind, and that she had been selfish in not thinking about it.
What if someone really wants to get close to you? What if someone is absolutely prepared to anything for you... to protect you with their life, to never leave your side and to move mountains just to see you smile? Have you ever thought about how much it hurts to be denied trust when you care about that person in such an intense way? In such a way that these feelings could just break your heart?
If it helps, just think about someone you really love, or have loved. As in, REALLY loved. And just think about what it would be like if they told they just can't trust you, because "I've been hurt too many times", or "I've been through some hard times", or "I have a past"...

Newsflash to those people who would say such things: So have most of us.

It happens to all of us. People can be scum. Greedy, selfish, and unreliable. And sure, in many cases you can be let down. Sometimes it can be more serious than others. I understand that. And we all have to understand that each of us, as individuals, may very well not be the centre of the universe.

I'm not saying anyone is wrong in being hesitant to trust. I'm just trying to encourage them to try and see it from the other person's point of view.

I prefer to have faith in people, personally. Sure, I'm going to be let down from time to time, but that's just life! Something I think we all need to accept and move forward. I know it's HARD, but... isn't that the whole point? To challenge yourself and overcome those challenges?

Just think about it.

Jim-x

Distant Worlds: Music from Final Fantasy

All right then, boys and girls. I just thought I'd do a write-up of this super special show because I believed that it would take more than a few poor quality pictures on Facebook to do it justice. My camera actually rather let me down tonight by being rubbish and deciding to run out of battery, meaning I could take roughly one poor quality picture per piece, just so I could remember what was played, so I thought it might better just to write as much about the show as I can recall.
There were a few oddities among the audience, first of all. I saw a couple of people with moogle hats, and a girl dressed as Yuna in the front row (apparently). Just a few moments before the show started, the man himself walked in and took his seat in the audience. Nobuo Uematsu, long time legendary Final Fantasy composer was at this very show. I could have met him too, if I wasn't so cheap as to not pay the extra 50 bucks for meet and greet. He was wearing some kind of funny Firion-esque bandanna, it was awesome omg he looked like a pirate!
It kicked off with the opening theme from Final Fantasy VIII, accompanied by some CGI from the game. Arnie Roth, the conductor, then did a few greetings and good welcomes etc, then he introduced a "very special" piece of music to start off the event, which also turned out to be very short.
That's right, it was the Victory Fanfare!! Oh, how we all laughed and cheered!!
Then we all settled down and we got serious again as the next piece, Enter Zanarkand, was introduced. This got an excited cheer from many people... and I have to say, I found this arrangement, with the accompanying CGI, very epic, emotional and moving, I felt like I could actually probably cry if I wanted to. It was at precisely this moment where I think I fully started to realise the true beauty of symphonic music. I never really had much time for it before, but... there is really nothing that compares to being in a venue like the Sony Centre with good acoustics and being presented with a full symphony playing such fantastic music like this.
Then we went right back to FF8, and this was one of the highlights of the show for me. Instead of being presented with another beautiful FMV, we were shown an in-game cutscene of Seifer calling Zell a chicken wuss, complete with the sound of a random dog barking. After the text dialogue windows disappeared the characters started to move as if someone was playing the game, and the way they moved, complete with that footstep sound that many of us had not heard for years - the fact that this game now looked so RETRO made many of us in the audience burst out laughing!! What's obvious is that humor was clearly intended given the choice of scene they showed us. Then it went to a fight scene with Squall, Seifer and Zell batting a Galbadian soldier, and the symphony went ahead and played Don't be Afraid as more actual in-game footage played out. The way this symphonic beauty was juxtaposed with this fantastic retroness was the essence and magic of this whole event.
Then it went to one of the most beautiful pieces in the series - Aerith's theme. This is one of the tunes I was hoping they would play. It was just as moving as I expected it to be and again, I could have cried if I wanted to. They set it to some of Aerith's scenes from the game - like her and Cloud's first meeting, that bit when they're in the park before Wall Market, one of Cloud's dreams (when she's in that foresty place) and finally, a scene of the time of her death. They didn't ACTUALLY show the bit where Jenova (Sephrioth) comes down to stab her, but they showed the bit just before and after... and as that scene begun, I could hear a girl from a couple of seats next to me reacting as if she didn't want to see her die, and it really did make me realise (again) just how connected people can feel with these fictional characters. In a strange way, I kind of wanted to see the actual death bit as I thought that would have added to the powerfulness of this moment, but maybe that's me just being a dark evil kind of boy.
The next thing was quite a cool melody of some of the main themes from the first three games in the series. Of course, this was complimented by in-game footage which made many of us smile and make those kind of fond noises in appreciation of memories. There was some footage from the opening CGI of the DS version of III, too.
Then they brought on this flamenco guitar player soloist dude, and they played a song from V and flamenco type piece from IX. Excuse me for not remembering or bothering to look up the titles, it's getting late here!
They then played J-E-N-O-V-A - which, apparently is tied with Dancing Mad, in some circles at least, for the most popular battle theme. It's pretty awesome alright! Think they then played some piece from XI (who cares) and then Clash on the Big Bridge from V - which was surprisingly awesome and EPIC, and really made me appreciate the power of a symphonic arrangement!!
They opened the second half with Opening - Bombing Mission, and I can't remember the exact order of the next few pieces, but they played Fabula Nova Crystallis, which was set to the scene from the game with Snow and Serah on that flying motorbike thing near the fireworks and was performed with a soloist singer, and Blinded by Light which is just pure awesomeness!! They also played a couple of pieces from FFXIV, but again - it's a MMORPG, who cares. I lost a little bit of interest during these pieces, but not much. Oh, and they also played Fisherman's Horizon from 8.

Ok... so were you expecting a conventional review from me, really?? =P

The next bit was awesome... a tribute to that most legendary and magnificent of creatures, the Chocobo! This arrangment was interesting, it was like a combination of an interesting new symphonic take on the Choboco music combined with the swingin' version from XIII, as various clips of Chocobos from several of the games in the series were shown. The video was presented suitably light-hearted and comically. C-H-O-C-O-B-O!!
Then they got three opera singers to sing a piece from V, and one from VI. One of them had Maria in the title. Sorry, but I'm just less familiar with those two games!!
Finally, Arnie introduced a favourite of his, Terra's theme! I was like "great, I don't even know this one either"! I was also thinking, damn... we don't get One Winged Angel after all. Still, it was pretty good... and they showed the credits for the show in a very interesting and suitable retro kind of way!!

Oh, but then there was an encore, wasn't there??
Nobuo-san was called to the stage. He was asked if he would sing with the symphony. He then uttered the only two words I've only ever heard him speak, "why not?" Then Arnie said "believe me, you do not need me to tell you the title of this last piece" and... OMG, I knew what was coming... at least, I hoped I did... and I was right.
That's it. They encored with One Winged Angel.
As soon as I heard that opening stab of string chords, I cheered loudly and got excited with everyone else in the crowd. Nobuo-san joined the choir, which was pretty special. This arrangement was pretty much as you expect it to be, and was set to some of Sephiroth's scenes from FFVII and some footage from Advent Children too. It was a fantastic and very fitting end to the show.
I'd do a generic conclusion but it's getting pretty late - just as long as I've made sure I've said that this show was incredible, and beautiful, and moving, and epic, and there were some smiles and lighthearted moments too - it was everything it should have been. It was definitely worth the 100 bucks.